It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

…but it’s not okay to stay there. These are words I heard a long time ago, and they ring true every time.

Today after school, a young man came to talk with me about his anxiety struggles. This young man is one of the sweetest young men I know: eighteen, Godly, considerate and humble, the kind that does anything you ask him to do without complaining. But what you wouldn’t know by looking at him is that he wrestles with negative thoughts of self doubt, insecurity, and straight-up fear. These thoughts affect him so much that it takes a physical toll on his body; he described it to me today as “a heat that takes over, a [cloud] comes over my mind, and it’s like a nuke is about to explode in my body. My body just aches sometimes.” WHOA.

This isn’t the first time he’s talked with me about his struggles, so I had background knowledge as I listened to him process “triggers” that occur on a daily basis, the internal battle once those pierce, and how he deals with them. He painted a vivid picture about how even the smallest thing could cause him to doubt all truth about himself. Be it in math class and others seem to be moving at a faster pace than him, “Man, why don’t I already know this? Why can’t I do my work like them?!” Or when a group of people are laughing together, “I wish I had friends like that. Will that ever be me?” Or if he nicks a curb while driving, “UGH! How could you not see that?! Now everyone knows how terrible of a driver you are.” He thinks, “This such a stupid thing to be worried about. Stay calm. Maybe if you don’t say anything, no one will notice how you’re freaking out on the inside, or what if they already know?”

The heat. The fog. The aches. And over and over again, working each day for it to stay hidden.

For someone who has never been to counseling, he so clearly illustrated the turmoil while simultaneously describing his solutions. “Sometimes it just becomes too much and I want to hit something, so I’ll go in my room and try to hit my punching bag to let it out, but that’s not who I am, so I stop. Sometimes I want to punch a wall, but I know that wouldn’t be good, so I hold my fist back. Sometimes I play video games, but I know that can be an addiction just like drugs, so I try to limit those. I sometimes talk about it with my friends, but I don’t want them to be so burdened by all my stuff. I pray to God every night about it.” And recognizing he couldn’t battle it alone, he came to me.

It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to stay there, I told him.

Of course, deep down he knew this because, after all, he appeared in my classroom right after the bell, but there was a part of him that I knew needed to hear it out loud.

Isn’t that a message for all of us? Whether you’re the person who can relate to this young man’s situation, you know a person who can relate, or you’ve never encountered it personally but know it’s out there, ANXIETY IS REAL. Some very dear friends of mine combat this angst daily. It looks different for all people, but one thing is for sure, it’s present, and it’s HARD. And it’s more than just being in a culture of the instantaneous and the digital- some people would feel this way DESPITE those lovely additions. No matter where you are on the spectrum described, be the kind of person who will stop and listen, and care enough to walk with them through it.

With him being open to advice, I was able to guide him through a variety of directions:

First, I told him he needs to let his parents know. They’re the ones on the home front who can support and get him resources he’ll need to further endure. Be open to solutions they might guide you to.

Second, I praised his self-awareness and ability to discern his weaknesses and seek help in those variety of ways. It’s good to physically workout frustrations and to allow yourself to zone out occasionally, but of course, those are only band-aids. Always seek support; we are made for community, and we cannot be victorious alone.

Thirdly, I pointed him to Scripture. Satan is “like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (I Peter 5:8b) and “comes to steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10a). We must “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5), and remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but… the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12). We have to be ready with the armor of God (Eph. 6:13-17) “so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand.” Worry about nothing “but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7). And remember that you are “fearfully [remarkably] and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14).

Finally, I warned and encouraged him that just because you ask God to take it away, that doesn’t mean He will. God can use the wildest, most painful circumstances to bring our ultimate good and His glory as we sow seeds for the eternal Kingdom of God. With that exhortation, I told him a story I read in the book The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom (which I highly recommend):

Corrie ten Boom lived during WWII, a Dutch woman whose family helped hide their Jewish friends and neighbors from the Nazi regime. Eventually being caught, the ten Boom family and their Jewish company were taken to a Nazi concentration camp. Stripped of their clothes and given a thin nightgown-like dress to wear, with shaven heads, and filth, starvation, and extreme cold to dwell in, there was little hope to be found, except for the hope through God. Separated from everyone in her family except her sister Betsie, the only thing she could cling to was her Christian faith. The building that Corrie and Betsie had been assigned to was infested with fleas that bit and covered their emaciated bodies as they huddled for what little warmth they had sharing a twin-sized bunk with, at least, four other women. Corrie asked God to remove the fleas many times, but He never did. She was so frustrated with God- forced to suffer so many tortures and now fleas, too! It was the very unwanted cherry on top. But her sister challenged her: we should thank God for the fleas. Corrie knew her sister had gone insane: THANK God for the fleas?! But she did it anyways, begrudgingly. All the while, they wondered why the guards never ventured very far into their building and were able to host Bible study and worship times with the other women during the late night. Turns out: the fleas are what held the guards back, allowing them time to share the hope of Christ with the other women.

Without those fleas, Corrie and Betsie would not have been able to bring the Truth and Hope of God to women who had lost all of theirs.

What are the fleas in your life? Anxiety, depression, mental illness, chronic pain, rebellious children, difficult students, cancer, (insert your struggle here)… it’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to stay there. Reach out to someone who can walk beside you in the heartache; be that type of person for someone else. Take notice of the good in your life and be proud, and be sure to go to the source of Truth to fight against the lies. Above all, remember that even though God might not take the suffering away in this life, with salvation in Jesus, there is perfection waiting, “for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Cor. 4:17).

Thank God for your fleas.